Resume Redux

When I was first dabbling in blogging, I put together a post that was a sort of nontraditional resume of sorts. Even though I’m certainly not looking for employment — I have an awesome job — I thought it was time to give it a bit of an update.

Sure, I can program. And architect a normalized database. I can write W3C compliant HTML and CSS, and create slick effects with jQuery. I can PHP, e-commerce, and content manage with the best of them. Lots of developers can do that. What sets me apart? I’ll tell you.

I can sleep for as many as 20 hours at a time and as few as 20 minutes. I have in the past worked 60 hours in a 64 hour period of time. Given a small space and $35, I can convert any environment into a relaxing, enjoyable place to work.

I can give a cat a bath without sustaining significant injury.

With the right instruments, I simply cannot be stopped. Physically. Walls cannot deter me, locks will not disuade me.

I can manouver very successfully through large crowds of people without disrupting anyone. I can introduce myself to someone, pump them for any information I need, and be forgotten within 10 minutes.

I can eat anything edible.

I can drive a stick shift. I can teach you to drive a stick shift. I can teach you to teach someone to drive a stick shift.

Feigning interest is not a problem; I can listen along with the best of them. Politicians, telemarketers, the elderly: it makes no difference. They will all sincerely believe that I care about what they are talking about.

I can endure hours of repetitive tedium. Standing in line, staking out locations, waiting at airports and bus terminals– these activities are not an issue.

I know all the warp zones in Super Mario Brothers 1, 2, and 3.

I have yet to lose in a staring contest. I can successfully ignore the constant ringing of telephones. I make a damn good western omelette. Or standard omelete. Or quesadilla. In 3 minutes flat.

I know how to not show astonishment when suddenly confronted with a celebrity personality. I can properly set up a fish tank. Fresh- or salt-water.

I’m not afraid to punch someone in the face. I certainly don’t want to — I’m generally a pretty passive guy — but I would have no qualms with putting a firm right cross to someone’s face if it came in the line of duty.

I can say the word “duty” with a straight face. See? Duty.

I can run a 13 minute mile.

With only 24 hours notice, I could go “off the grid” and completely disappear for up to a month if necessary. Two months with 72 hours notice.

I own my own tuxedo. I clean up real good.

I always know someone who works, or used to work, or knows someone who works or used to work there. I can successfully create a diversion. I can jump off things. Lots of things.

These are just a few of my qualifications. If you are interested in hiring me, putting some sort of crew together, or just organizing your Alpha Team in preparation for some sort of apocalypse scenario, please direct all inquiries to