It's sad.  It's like walking around an old abandoned amusement park;  weeds intertwined with the mechanisms and moss covering the motionless structures.  There is a certain sense of loss even at first glance.  This place which was purposed and designed to be full of life is now completely empty.  The walk ways that once held the laughter of children and the rides that once thrilled the grown-ups now sit motionless and desolate.  It's wrong.  A place made to house happiness and excitement is now an eye sore on the side of the highway.  It's left to it's own demise.  No one even cares to tear it down.

looking back....that's exactly how it is.

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So I'm starting to panic.  Not much.  I'm just in the beginning stages.  I can't believe it's almost here.  I'm almost done with school and this brings me to the end of the "beaten path." This is the final chapter of the "known" for me.  I've never gotten any farther than this. You know those people that have known what they want to do, or at least where they want to be doing something, since they were little kids?  I am not one of those people.  I have never been able to decipher on my own what exactly it is that I want or even more importantly what God wants from me.  And now here I am, a number of months in the single digits left until I have to hold my nose and jump and just hope I'll be able to swim when I get down there.  I'm glad He'll love me no matter what happens.

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So I just returned from spending time with a friend in New York (and no, I did not go to ground zero) and I am left with a very strange feeling in my heart.  Lately I have begun to feel like all my relationships have alzhiemers disease and it really is driving me crazy.  It's as though the relationship proresses and grows and you just get really to feel safe and secure inside of it and then 'Woah Nellie!' it very quickly starts regressing and shrinking until it feels like it was never really there at all. 

I have always been the type to keep relationships going far after the experation date.  I have never been able to just accept that relationships change and you get to a point where it's time to let them go.  That way of thinking is beyond me.  I can't let go.  I really can't pinpoint why this is such a problem for me.  I have a sufficient amount of friends that I wouldn't just be hanging on to past relationships in desperation even tough sometimes I feel like that's the case.

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A day in the life of January

I slept 2 hours and was rudely awakened by two alarm clocks and a cell phone (I'm a deep sleeper)

Off to class from 9-2...LONG DAY!

Worked on a paper.  Talked with a long lost friend on IM that looked me up.  That made me feel special. 

Had a diversity program for my floor.  We watched 'Remember the Titans'. 

Caught up on email and worked some more on the paper.  Off to bed early (1AM)

1:30 AM- "January!  January!  Wake Up!!! Fire!!"

1:31 AM- I am runnning down the hall to the kitchen, fire extinguisher in hand, smoke billowing down the hall. Smoke detectors still haven't gone off.

I can't find any fire.  Only lots of smoke.  I call my friend Kirk and deliriously ask him what it could possibly be.  He comes up.  Turns out the fire was on the boys side.  One of the international students left rice cooking for about an hour and it caught on fire.  I wake everyone up and tell them to open their windows so they don't die of smoke inhilation in their sleep.  Deal with overdramatic 18 year olds and of to bed.....again.

2:35 AM- "January! Help!  My roommate is really sick!" 

Again a groggy January staggers down the hall to the sick girls room who is practically screaming in pain.  Not sure what it could be.  Off to the emergency room.  So much for finishing that paper in the morning. 

7:30 AM.  Return to campus.  Sleep for one hour.  Class at 9. 

I'm tired.

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