So it's 3 AM and I am still awake.  Insomnia strikes again.  My sleep has been so jacked up lately.  There is something about being tired that frightens me. I think it's because my rationalizing skills go out the window and I feel crazy.  Not crazy/wild but crazy/insane.  You're getting a peek at my maddness.  I feel sad or like I want to make really brave gutsy life altering decisions that will throw me onto some other path leading some other life. I went through a period where I hardly ever slept and little by little I grew further away from myself to the point where I became something else entirely.  I never want to go back there.  It's been a long road since then.  Looking back it feels like I was watching a movie about someone else which may sound horribly cliche but I have no other way to describe it within my grasp.  My head and my emotions were in constant conflict.  I guess that is why I have a very present fear about letting myself get too tired.  Obviously I'm not careful enough or I wouldn't still be awake.

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Last night was the first warm night in a long time and so I decided to take a drive just to relax.  It was great.  I borrowed my mom's car and put back the moonroof and sang at the top of my lungs to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. I was feeling particularly good about life.  Then I stopped and saw Tasci for a little while.  I'll have to do that more often.

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Today is one of those days whenyou wonder if you ever really woke up.  The only evidence that I actually did is that at 9:30 this morning I was in OH with my family and now at 10:32 PM I am in a very chilly institutional looking dorm room hearing the sounds of someone's obnoxious bass through my walls.  Ah, a little JLO is always good for the soul.

I went to see the Britney Spears movie last night as hard as that is for me to admit.  I went with a friend (the name has been left out to protect the innocent) and we both brought our little sisters.  Chock it up to a little quality time poorly spent.  I am aware that reference negates itself by nature.  We'll let it slide.  There was something so disturbing about that scene.  Britney was either in her underwear or a belly shirt playing the role of a high school Valedictorian.  the movie was absurd at the very least.  There were little girls everywhere with their eyes glued to the screen, barely breathing.  At the end of Britney's little song, one little girl who couldn't have been older than four started clapping and cheering and bouncing up and down in her chair.  That struck me as one of the saddest things I have ever seen.  I heard Britney say in an interview one time that she didn't want to be thought of as a role model but rather an inspiration.  interesting!

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So I'm sitting here alone in my room (a rarity, believe me) thinking about what it is exactly that makes me feel so estranged from most other Christians I know.  There is just something different about the way I see the world and spirituality...and Jesus, frankly.  I don't know if it is just our culture that has made Christianity seem cheap in some way, or what.  I've just been noticing the seperation between myself and 'them' lately.  

This may make NO sence what-so-ever but bear with me, I'm very tired.  I think it has something to do with the language or maybe the socail deficiancies.....I don't know.  It's like tag lines you hear when you call a business of any sort. EX: "Thank-you for calling First National Bank, your home for loans, how can I help you."  "At McDonalds, we love to see you smile." "Be all that you can be." equals "Praise the Lord." "God is sooooo good." "God bless you." "Halilujah" ....I think you see where I'm going with this.  In a culture where words and slogans are a dime a dozen we throw phrases around so much they mean virtually nothing anymore.  We have cheapened them.  These phrases are all fine and good in thier own right, don't get me wrong, but they have lost their poignancy, we have reduced them to dust.  No value, really.  Just annoying.

I was recently having this conversation with a good friend of mine who's mother seems to be on the same fanatical, flag wavin', crusade hoppin', prayer of Jabez quotin' bandwagon as my own, who by the way thinks I'm backslidden as all get out.  I mean I listen to secular music, watch R-rated movies, even drop the occasional "dammit" here and there without thinking twice.  "I bet you didn't (you fill in offence) like that when you were at Teen Mania" has become a well worn phrase in all its variations in my house which never ceases to send me any where but livid.  Now don't get me wrong.  I love my mother with all my heart.  She has her reasons for being the way she is.  She is battling cancer right now in a big way and I never forget that someday soon I could lose her.  So as you can see fighting with her under any circumstances would rank right up there with bitch-slapping E.T.  not something you do.  Never-the-less, we do not see eye to eye on this subject matter what-so-ever.

There has been a lot of talk about the (collective american) church being seen as a business.  I can see where people could get this seeing as the afore mentioned "tag-line" Christians have gotten out of control.  It's like we go at 'conversion' in the same way we would go about selling a kirby vacuum door to door.  "Your life will be A, B, AND C, once you accept Jesus into your heart. By the way if you sign up to work the nursery, I'll throw in a spiritual gift.  You too will be able to speak in tongues from the comfort of your own home!"  For some reason I don't get the idea that when Jesus ascended from heaven for that "Go ye therefore" thing he was thinking of this whole salvation gig in terms of supply and demand........just a thought.     

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